In the age of the earliest Korean kingdoms (before 108 B.C.), kyolhon or
"marriage" was more of a communal and tribal affair than a personal matter.
Marriages were arranged, and love played no role in the arrangements. In fact,
love, or even affection, was seen as an obstacle to a successful marriage because
it introduced an element of emotion that would interfere with spouses meeting their
responsibilities. Following the introduction of Confucianism into Korea during the
Three Kingdoms period (57 BC-669 AD) marriage began to take on the forms that
existed until modern times.
During the Shilla dynasty (669-935) and the following Koryo dynasty
(936-1392) upper-class men were permitted to have several wives, who were
considered equal. Newly-married husbands in the commoner class customarily
lived in their wives' homes (at least until the birth of their first child). Both of
these customs were to change dramatically following the adoption of Confucianism
as the state ideology by the new Choson dynasty in 1392. Under the
Confucian-oriented social system devised by this regime the first wife was the
primary or main wife. Other wives and concubines were relegated to a much lower
status, causing innumerable inheritance problems and emotional conflicts.
In the 15th century the Choson court passed laws designed to prevent divorcees
and widows from remarrying. These laws, primarily aimed at the upper-class,
made the sons and grandsons of women who married a second time ineligible for
advancement in civil service positions, the most desirable of all occupations. Sons
and grandsons of women who married a third time were banned from taking the
civil service exams that led to government positions. Women in this latter category
were more or less regarded as prostitutes.
Under the Confucianized social system instituted by the new Choson government,
wives moved into their husbands' homes. After marriage men and women slept
together for conjugal purposes but there was a woman's world and a man's world
that basically resulted in them living segregated lives. Brides and grooms often
met each other for the first time on their wedding day or a short time before they
were united in marriage. Parents, close relatives, professional matchmakers, and
in some cases, employers or masters, acted as go-betweens in arranging
marriages. Sociologist Sang Bok Han observed in his book, The Korean Patterns of
Life and Way of Thinking, (The Academy of Korean Studies) that in keeping with
the Confucian ideology of filial piety, the primary relationship in a marriage was
between fathers and sons, not between husbands and wives. Wives were vital to
the production of progeny but other than serving as child-bearers and domestic
help they were incidental to the lives of men.
Also in old Korea it was the custom for parents to arrange early kyolhon for their
sons and daughters. In many cases, daughters were married off before they
reached their teens. The rationale for this custom was very practical as far as
parents were concerned. By marrying off a daughter they got a son-in-law who
was beholden to them and had to serve them in many ways. By marrying off a son
they got a daughter-in-law who was even more beneficial, because
daughters-in-law essentially became servants in the parents' household.
During the latter centuries of the Choson dynasty (1392-1910) there were two
approaches to arranging marriages. Young men could select several prospective
brides from which their parents would then make the final decision. Or the parents,
relatives or a professional go-between would come up with prospects and the
grooms would make the choice.
Also during this period, girls in better-to-do families were often married between
the ages of 12 and 16, and were generally one to two years older than their
husbands. In peasant families, however, male children were usually not married off
until they were in their later teens in order to keep them as single workers. The
more sons-in-law and daughters-in-law parents had, the greater their social
status and the more people they had who were subject to their authority and who
were required to serve them while they were alive and honor them after their
death. Husbands whose wives failed to produce sons routinely took concubines,
causing a whole new set of problems because the male offspring of concubines
were generally regarded as illegitimate.
Korea's feudal family system was abolished in 1894. Early marriages were
prohibited. The minimum age was set at 16 for females and at 20 for males.
Widows were allowed to remarry; sons of second wives could succeed their
fathers. The following year, the Western calendar was adopted and men were
ordered to cut off their traditional topknots (for centuries men had worn their hair
tied into knots on top of their heads). This latter edict was met with bitter
resistance from large numbers of Korean men who considered it one of the most
important things in identifying them as males and as Koreans.
Despite abolition of the feudal family system, male-female relations in Korea did
not begin to change dramatically until the 1960s. Concubinage was made illegal by
the Japanese colonial government in 1922, but the practice continued to be
tolerated for several more decades. In 1951 the Seoul District Court ruled that if a
husband took a concubine his wife was legally justified in seeking a divorce. Social
discrimination against the offspring of concubines continued into the 1990s.
Young people born after 1945 were raised in a far more democratic environment,
educated, and exposed to such foreign influences as American movies and
television. By the 1970s young Korean women could no longer be taken for granted
by the male sex. Many young Korean women began picking their own husbands,
and they had high standards, not only in physical size and appearance, but also in
education, earning potential and character.
But still today, some 30 percent of all marriages in Korea, particularly in rural
areas and among the rich, are more or less arranged. Present-day professional
marriage matchmakers, like their predecessors, can advise the couple and their
parents when the match appears to be especially favorable for all concerned.
Parents provide matchmakers with all of the pertinent background information
about their sons and daughters: family history, social status, education, and so on.
They then go through their files and make new contacts in an effort to find suitable
matches. Once the matchmaker has decided on a possible match, she invites both
sets of parents and their respective offspring to a meeting at a teahouse or coffee
house. In cities, name hotel coffee shops are a favorite location for such meetings,
and such groups can be easily spotted virtually any day of the week in these
places.
Matchmaker meetings are primarily for the parents to look each other over, sound
each other out, and decide if they want to encourage the match. If both sides are
favorable, the couple go out on dates to see if they are also compatible. There is
often considerable pressure from one or both sets of parents for their sons or
daughters to agree to the match, particularly if they are older than the average age
for marriage or have some other "defect".
It has traditionally been customary for the oldest sons and daughters in families to
marry first. If they are late in marrying, the pressure on them from both their
parents and younger siblings can be intense. In general, though, if neither side
wants to go through with the wedding, the whole process starts over.
Matchmakers are expected to have qualified both potential partners as far as
social status and background are concerned, but many attempts at matchmaking
fail because the woman is too independent-minded for the man's taste, or the
woman does not like the man's personality. After the matchmakers have made
their recommendations, most mothers of would-be couples cover their bets by
consulting fortune-tellers. If the fortune-teller finds that the astrological profiles
of the young man and woman match, the mothers may be all the more forceful in
encouraging the marriage.
When an unmarried son or daughter in a more traditional Korean family dies, it is
customary to call in a shaman or a team of shamans and conduct a posthumous
wedding ceremony for them, uniting them with the spirit of someone, of the right
age and sex, who also recently died before they were married. The purpose of this
ritual is to provide the souls of the unmarried dead with "spirit mates" to keep them
company in the after-life. Such marriages were known as sahon (sah-hon),
"ghost marriages," or "spirit marriages."
One facet of some Korean weddings that is of special interest is the so-called
ham (hahm), which refers to a large wooden box that the groom's male friends use
to carry wedding gifts to the bride's home, and the practices that surround this
custom.
At a time that has been pre-arranged with the bride's family, the young men, who
have usually been drinking, show up at the front gate (or in the case of an
apartment building, the front door of the building) with the box. One of the men,
acting as a "horse," carries the box on his back. Another member of the group
leads the "horse," telling him when to stop and go. At the front gate (or at front
door of the apartment building) the "horse" leader and the other young men
announce loudly that the horse is so tired it can't move unless money is paid for
each additional step it takes.
The bride's family and the leader noisily negotiate how much the group is going to
be paid for each step the "horse" takes to reach the bridegroom's door - where the
bride, her friends and the groom are waiting. Once the amount is settled, the money
is collected at each additional step, amidst a great deal of noisy bantering. After
the "horse" and other young men are inside the home or apartment and the ham has
been handed over to the family, the group is served food and drinks. The men give
half of the money they collected to the groom, then invite the bride's girl friends to
go out with them to spend the rest of the money on more drinks.
Since the early 1990s there has been growing controversy over a number of
traditional wedding customs that some people consider incompatible with the
times, particularly the ham ritual.
"Love-marriages" in Korean are known as yonae kyolhon (yon-ae k'yohl-hohn),
which literally means "love marriage" with connotations of a sexual element.
Arranged marriages tend to be more common among the new urban rich than
among the middle class because this group is especially interested in forming
alliances with other families on their own level or higher. Farm families also tend
to follow many of the old customs, including arranged marriages.
Until the 1980s descendants of the yangban class seldom if ever married outside
of the class. Now it is becoming more and more common for them to marry into
"common families" that have become wealthy through business and have formed a
new elite class. As in most societies, the well-to-do and upper-class in Korea
tend to marry on their own social and economic levels.
Korean women do not take their husbands' names upon marriage. They continue to
be known by their own family names for all legal purposes. In social situations
they are referred to as "the wife of so-and-so," or by a title meaning "wife," i.e.
puin (puu-een), meaning "your," or "his wife."
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